Conscious Leaders master the art of conscious listening. It’s possible to be an unconscious leader, even one who gets results, without being a great listener. But it’s impossible to be a conscious leader without listening deeply from presence.
The issue is that most of us aren’t great listeners. In fact, most people are terrible listeners. The good news is that conscious listening can be learned.
Conscious listening happens when we become still enough to fully see and reflect on another person. Like a lake, reflection can’t happen if the water is choppy or turbulent. Reflection is available when the water becomes calm like glass. Most of us aren’t still on the inside, so we don’t listen deeply.
It’s our obsession with ourselves that prevents us from truly seeing others. This focus on the self occurs at several levels.
We Make It About Us
The most obvious level is listening self-referentially. This means we listen to find opportunities to talk about ourselves. We’ve all done this. You’re talking to a friend who tells you about their vacation, or their leaky plumbing, or the drama with their 12-year-old. As soon as they’re done talking, you bring the attention back to you. “ “You went to New York? So did we. We had a great time,” or “I can’t believe what we had to pay our plumber to fix our water heater,” or “My stepdaughter won’t stop texting during dinner.”
These are all examples of making the conversation about ourselves.
The same thing happens at work. A team member tells their manager about a bad client experience, and the manager responds, “That’s happened to me so many times I can’t count them. Here’s what I do.” It seems like coaching or empathy, but the manager has made it about themselves, not the team member.
We all know about self-referential listening. Just for fun, play a game the next time you’re at a social function. See how long it takes for the person you’re talking to to make the conversation about themselves. And for the fun of self-awareness, see how long it takes for you to do the same.
Going Beyond Self-Referential Listening
Some traditions use a talking stick to address this issue. The person holding the talking stick gets the group’s full attention as long as they have the talking stick. This simple tool, whether real or metaphorical, can help us address the human tendency to make it all about us.
Another helpful skill is asking the second question. The first question in conscious conversation is broad and open-ended, like, “How was it for you at the meeting today?” As the other person shares their experience, we listen deeply (keeping the talking stick with them). When they complete their first response, we ask the second question:
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“When Jose said that, how did you respond?”
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“Tell me more about your reaction to the spreadsheet.”
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“You said it was a ‘good’ meeting. What made it good for you?”
The art of the second question comes from listening so deeply that you know what to ask next, inviting the person to explore their experience further. This allows both of you to connect more meaningfully.
A quick observation: People who know how to ask the second (and third) question become the most coveted person at any dinner party. Non-self-referential listeners are so rare they stand out in almost any setting.
One caution: Other-centered listeners are so rare that people may monopolize conversations with you. Another relational skill to cultivate is mutuality. It’s learning how to keep the conversation balanced, moving the talking stick back and forth.
We Project Onto the Other Person
To be a still pond that can reflect another person, we have to be aware that our natural tendency is to project our experience and psychology onto others. This simply means that we believe, often unconsciously, that everyone’s experience of life is like our own.
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If we think we would have been offended in a given situation, we believe they were or should have been offended as well.
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If we think we would have been scared, we think they were scared.
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If we think we should leave our job, we project that belief onto them and think they should leave their job.
To counter this, simply ask yourself, “Am I possibly putting my experience, beliefs, or feelings onto them?” Pausing to ask this question can interrupt projection’s automaticity, letting you see them and grant them their experience.
We Listen Through our Listening Filters
Instead of deep listening from presence, we often hear through filters. We first learned about listening filters from “Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment” by Gay and Katie Hendricks. Imagine you ask a colleague how they’re doing, and they say they’re stressed out and overwhelmed. Instead of listening deeply from presence, you listen through one or several of these listening filters and respond accordingly:
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Listening to fix: “When I’m stressed out, I find deep breathing helps. You should try it. I can send you a YouTube clip I like.”
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Listening to control: “Wow, you need to deal with that because we have a lot to do today.”
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Listening to judge, criticize, rebut, be right, or make the other person wrong: “I don’t understand how you could be stressed—you just got back from three days of vacation.”
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Listening to confirm your point of view: “I thought you had taken on too much responsibility this quarter. No wonder you’re stressed out.”
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Listening to take it personally: “I hope it’s not something I’m doing that’s causing you stress.”
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Listening to hear whether you’re liked: “Are you upset with me because I took time off last week?”
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Listening to avoid being put upon: “I wish I could help, but I’m overwhelmed too.”
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Listening to prove you’re a bigger victim: “You think you’re stressed? My husband just got laid off.”
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Listening to avoid conflict: “I hope it’s nothing I’ve done or haven’t done that’s making you stressed.”
Going Beyond Filters
The list of listening filters can go on and on. We’ve all got them. Conscious leaders take time to identify their listening filters. One way is by asking for feedback from co-workers, friends, and family. Give them this list and ask, “When I’m NOT doing my best listening, which of these filters do you see me using?
Upgrade Your Listening, Upgrade Your Leadership
How you listen really is a key to how you lead. Conscious leaders pay attention to being self-referential, projecting, and listening through filters. Recognizing these habits is step one in becoming a great listener. Step two is developing deep stillness on the inside. Cultivating internal quiet creates tremendous space for others. When you’re ready to practice stillness, check out my article on the topic, Silence, Solitude, and Stillness to Deepen and Sustain Consciousness.
More
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Download our Guide to Conscious Listening [PDF]
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Read about my Formula for World-Class Conversations
