Vulnerability is key to connection—at work, at home, everywhere. One way to practice candor that invites vulnerability is to stop asking questions and start making statements.
Questions can be a way to hide out in relationships. Personal statements, on the other hand, reveal. They require risk.
A helpful metaphor for intimacy and vulnerable connection is skinny dipping. When you ask someone a question, you’re inviting them to undress first. When you make a revealing statement, you go first. Instead of waiting for them to open, you become the invitation.
Yes, questions have their place
Of course, there’s absolutely a time and place for asking questions. I’ve even written a blog on the power of the second question. But what I’m talking about here is something else. I’m talking about the kind of question that masks something deeper.
Often, questions like this come from below the line—a subtle attempt to control the situation or the other person.
Want to see if you’re hiding behind a question? Try this:
“Is there a statement behind my question?”
Pause. Get curious. See what reveals itself.
Let's make this real
After a party, you say to your partner:
“I saw you talking to Sam at the party. What were you two talking about?”
In that moment, you’re asking your partner to reveal something before you’ve revealed anything yourself. Instead, pause. Look for the statement behind the question.
It might be something like this:
“Hey, I saw you talking to Sam, and I noticed myself feeling jealous. I have a story that, at times, he’s more interesting to you than I am. When I believe that story, I feel scared and sad, and sometimes angry. I want to reveal that this is what’s going on with me. As you know, I struggle with jealousy at times, and instead of giving in to it, I want to bring it into our relationship.”
See the shift? You’re revealing your own experience first. You’re not fishing—you’re opening.
Now imagine this in a work context:
You ask your coworker:
“Where did you get the idea for that marketing pitch?”
But underneath the question is a suspicion. The real message might be::
“When I heard you make the marketing pitch, I felt a constriction. I remembered hearing Sonia talk about that idea over lunch the other day, and I made up the story that you used her idea without giving her credit. I don’t know that I’m right about this, but I wanted to tell you the thought that went through my head.”
That kind of reveal might feel risky—but it’s honest. It clears space. It opens the door to truth, connection, and trust.
Questions aren't bad. But check your motive.
Some questions do come from above the line, from genuine curiosity. The practice here is simply to check.
Ask yourself:
Am I asking to learn? Or am I asking to control?
Get curious about the source of the question—especially if it’s carrying a charge. Especially if it feels safe to ask but risky to say.
Even a light question—like asking your neighbor, “What kind of music do you like?” could have a deeper statement behind it:
“Hey, I’d really like to hang out with you and get to know you better. One of my favorite bands is playing next Friday, and I’d like to ask you to go with me.”
Can you feel the difference? The risk? The aliveness of that reveal?
This doesn’t have to be heavy
Instead of asking your roommate, “What would you like for dinner tonight?”
Try: “I’m excited for some pizza tonight. Are you OK with that?” You’re still inviting collaboration, but you’re doing it by showing your cards first.
In my experience, almost every question has a statement behind it.
If you want deeper relationships—start there.
Reveal yourself.
And open the door to connection.
